Best Satire Quotes to Inspire, Uplift & Motivate You Every Day

“It is nice to get your cartoons accepted, but if you can get past that and just draw for yourself and just try not to give a s***, which I know sounds arrogant, but that's how you have to be.”

“Some people will insult your intelligence by suddenly being nice or nicer to you once you make it … or they think you have.”

“Cuidado, caín, hablas demasiado, el señor está oyéndote y tarde o temprano te castigará, El señor no oye, el señor es sordo, por todas partes se le alzan súplicas, son los pobres, los infelices, los desgraciados, todos implorándole el remedio que el mundo les niega, y el señor les da la espalda.”

“Algo sí he aprendido, Qué, Que nuestro dios, el creador del cielo y de la tierra, está rematadamente loco, Cómo te atreves a decir que el señor dios está loco, Porque sólo un loco sin conciencia de sus actos admitiría ser el culpable directo de la muerte de cientos de miles de personas y se comportaría luego como si nada hubiese sucedido, salvo que, y pudiera ser, no se tratara de locura, la involuntaria, la auténtica, sino de pura y simple maldad, Dios nunca podría ser malo, o no sería dios, para malo ya tenemos al demonio, No puede ser bueno un dios que da a un padre la orden de que mate y después queme en una hoguera a su propio hijo simplemente para poner a prueba su fe, eso no se le ocurriría ni al más maligno de los demonios.”

“Al día siguiente nadie murió.”

“... la muerte está vedada a los dioses,”

“Cuidado, caín, hablas demasiado, el señor está oyéndote y tarde o temprano te castigará,”

“It's a fucking cult, Paul.”

“Biologists are diligently unraveling the mystery of how such formidable creatures like dinosaurs vanished from the face of the Earth. Meanwhile, our Maulvi has already solved the enigma—turns out, the dinosaurs were simply guilty of insubordination. Science, take notes.”

“A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!”

“There is a sort of mental treason”

“I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.”

“People said there had to be a Supreme Being because otherwise how could the universe exist, eh?”

“Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.”

“The moment you say that any idea system is sacred, whether it’s a religious belief system or a secular ideology, the moment you declare a set of ideas to be immune from criticism, satire, derision, or contempt, freedom of thought becomes impossible.”

“When...did it become irrational to dislike religion, any religion, even to dislike it vehemently? When did reason get redescribed as unreason? When were the fairy stories of the superstitious placed above criticism, beyond satire? A religion was not a race. It was an idea, and ideas stood (or fell) because they were strong enough (or too weak) to withstand criticism, not because they were shielded from it. Strong ideas welcomed dissent.”

“Dating apps are slot machines for your genitals.”

“Money can’t buy happiness… but it can rent it by the hour.”

“Some of us were brought into this troubled world primarily or only to increase our fathers’ chances of not being left by our mothers, or vice versa.”

“Some people will hate you for not loving them.”

“Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.”

“Some women do not masturbate for pleasure; they masturbate to make a political statement: to remind us that women do not really need men (or at least not as much and as frequently as every single male chauvinist and every single misogynist believes).”

“Most sane human beings’ chances of being alive in a thousand years’ time are a hundred times higher than their chances of being sincerely happy for at least ten consecutive days.”

“We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.”

“Just for a while": Death's opening chat-up line in His great seduction, before he drugged you with soporific comforts, distracted you with minor luxuries and ensnared you with long-term payment plans.”

“Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.”

“You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.”

“I'm not scared of death, I just don't want to seek it out.”

“Life is a process during which one initially gets less and less dependent, independent, and then more and more dependent.”

“A premature death does not only rob one of the countless instances where one would have experienced pleasure, it also saves one from the innumerable instances where one would have experienced pain.”

“Life sometimes reminds us that it is sometimes heartless by giving something or someone we really need to someone who does not need or even want them or it.”

“Of course we had hoped that he would take up his sword as part of the President's war on poetry. The time is ripe for that. The root causes of poetry have been studied and studied. And now that we know that pockets of poetry still exist in our great country, especially in the large urban centers, we ought to be able to wash it out totally in one generation, if we put our backs into it.”

“Even ivory towers need central heating.”

“Every day is a battle. Still. She doesn’t need this…this mess. The nightmares. She doesn’t deserve what I’d put her through. And she probably wouldn’t stick around anyway. Who would?”

“She made a face at him, and he could picture her, as a child princess—sticking her tongue out at a playmate in her princess castle.”

“Satire's nature is to be one-sided, contemptuous of ambiguity, and so unfairly selective as to find in the purity of ridicule an inarguable moral truth.”

“Justru karena cinta, kamu memelihara dirimu dan dirinya agar tetap mulia. Bila ia mendekat, tetaplah duduk. Karena itu yang menjaga emosi agar tak meletup. Bila ia menjauh, jangan dekati dia sebelum waktunya. Sabar itu jauh lebih istimewa. Atau kalau tak tahan lagi, segeralah datang ke rumah orang tuanya! Itu lebih mulia.”

“Darwinism teaches that whatever serves no purpose gradually perishes. The tail disappeared long ago; it seems that in some individuals, the brain has now taken an extended leave.”

“Some people avoid thinking deeply in public, only because they are afraid of coming across as suicidal.”

“Some of the best things that have ever happened to us wouldn’t have happened to us, if it weren’t for some of the worst things that have ever happened to us.”

“Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.”

“People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane, until we invented smartphones and social media.”

“The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life.”

“Some people talk about other people’s failures with so much pleasure that you would swear they are talking about their own successes.”

“Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health.”

“Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?”

“There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip.”

“Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.”

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”

“Dearest creature in creation,”

“Which of us is happy in this world? Which of us has his desire? or, having it, is satisfied?”

“Actors are so fortunate. They can choose whether they will appear in tragedy or in comedy, whether they will suffer or make merry, laugh or shed tears. But in real life it is different. Most men and women are forced to perform parts for which they have no qualifications. Our Guildensterns play Hamlet for us, and our Hamlets have to jest like Prince Hal. The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.”

“Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.”

“Invisible things are the only realities.”

“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”

“I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it.”