Hope. It was something about the way he said it that made me feel like I was understanding what the word meant for the first time. I wanted to tell him that the only way to control your suffering was to orchestrate it. That the only true pleasure in life must be found in pain, because if you master pain you will not even need to hope for anything at all. Unable to tell him any of this, I just stare at him, wondering what he has that is worth hoping for with such a genuine drive, that even I would question the safety of my own suffering.
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