"Reading Rayya’s journals today, and comparing her secret pai..." — Elizabeth Gilbert quote meaning

Reading Rayya’s journals today, and comparing her secret pain with the mighty persona she presented in public, I can see that she did not wish to admit powerlessness to anyone—not even to the God of her own understanding, whoever and whatever that may have been. She didn’t want anyone knowing her “business,” she wasn’t making time for any spiritual practices, and she definitely didn’t want anyone telling her she shouldn’t be drinking. There was no “life on life’s terms” happening here. The terms were all Rayya’s. And since Rayya was the biggest, toughest, smartest, coolest, most badass bitch around here, her terms were always some extremely convincing version of “I got this.” But she didn’t got it, was the problem. And instead of asking for direction from a higher power, she just kept asking herself.